After my 50th or so home season, plus 2022 road trips to Syracuse, Minnesota and Illinois, I want to thank everyone for the memories I am already forgetting and hereby announce I am also opting out of Orlando (aaoooo?) for Rosier outlooks.
I’ve already had offers I can’t refuse, almost. Illinois got the jump on everyone with shuttle runs and gift cards to The Beef House, although those yeast rolls do pose the potential for Bread Bulimia. Aw-fully good. Slowed me to a 4.32.
Wisconsin tendered beer brats and a season pass to Dells ducks, while Minnesota pointed to a pontoon on the Mississippi, minus oars and having to hear Bob Dylan. Iowa offered its stadium train, although all riders do have to wave at those kids for a whole half. Nebraska reserved seats for every sellout, amid Children of the Corn, and Northwestern had surplus bags of kitty litter to accompany each visit to Mustard’s Last Stand, where every dog has its day. And some nights.
And then there’s the East, where everyone promises to win … except, of course, for iu, which has failed to perfect its dual-purpose whoopee cushions for dodging goose doo and goosing sleepers on the concrete quarry’s bleachers. Long over doo. Besides, we all know the only good thing ever to come out of Bloomington is Noble Roman’s Sicilian Deep Dish. And maybe Wheels of Steel.
Still waiting on firm film offers from UCLA and the sweater girls from USC.
Won’t announce until Labor Day. Maybe Halloween if the SEC comes calling. Would wait until Thanksgiving for the Crimsonettes. Christmas would come early. Although I’d still have to remind Saban that Tiller beat him like a big bass drum.
I’m also strongly considering Purdue’s offer to stay -- a napalm flame-thrower for the promised pile of black helmets, lead-bottom black pants and the Depression-era pajama-top jerseys, once worn by The Three Stooges and favored by the departed defectors now on the downwind side of the river. Go ugly early? They sure did.
I’ve already had offers I can’t refuse, almost. Illinois got the jump on everyone with shuttle runs and gift cards to The Beef House, although those yeast rolls do pose the potential for Bread Bulimia. Aw-fully good. Slowed me to a 4.32.
Wisconsin tendered beer brats and a season pass to Dells ducks, while Minnesota pointed to a pontoon on the Mississippi, minus oars and having to hear Bob Dylan. Iowa offered its stadium train, although all riders do have to wave at those kids for a whole half. Nebraska reserved seats for every sellout, amid Children of the Corn, and Northwestern had surplus bags of kitty litter to accompany each visit to Mustard’s Last Stand, where every dog has its day. And some nights.
And then there’s the East, where everyone promises to win … except, of course, for iu, which has failed to perfect its dual-purpose whoopee cushions for dodging goose doo and goosing sleepers on the concrete quarry’s bleachers. Long over doo. Besides, we all know the only good thing ever to come out of Bloomington is Noble Roman’s Sicilian Deep Dish. And maybe Wheels of Steel.
Still waiting on firm film offers from UCLA and the sweater girls from USC.
Won’t announce until Labor Day. Maybe Halloween if the SEC comes calling. Would wait until Thanksgiving for the Crimsonettes. Christmas would come early. Although I’d still have to remind Saban that Tiller beat him like a big bass drum.
I’m also strongly considering Purdue’s offer to stay -- a napalm flame-thrower for the promised pile of black helmets, lead-bottom black pants and the Depression-era pajama-top jerseys, once worn by The Three Stooges and favored by the departed defectors now on the downwind side of the river. Go ugly early? They sure did.
